Old jokes

[dvenson]

so i get random emails from my grandfather and the latest one was about old people

warning this material may not be suited for anyone under 18



[FONT=&quot]'OLD' [/FONT][FONT=&quot]IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]You are cautioned to slow down by the[/FONT][FONT=&quot]doctor instead of by the police[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'OLD' IS WHEN...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Lovemaking Tips For Seniors[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
7. Keep your Depends close by.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.[/FONT]

 

[Zooid]

LOL....
I can't wait till all you guys get to be my age and find out that all this is true hehe.

 

[Royal Gramma keeper]

Hahahaha

 

[bsharpe]

Ageing is not for sissys!!!!

 

[dvenson]

ok so the last few have not been that good but today`s email i laughed at


[FONT=&quot]Ten Thoughts to Ponder........[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]10 BASIC FACTS OF LIFE

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 9 - Good health's merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday when they're lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you a whopping $30.00?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Number 1 - Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long.[/FONT]

 

[Cherub]

+1 @#8 lol

 

[bsharpe]

Lovin #4-+1

 

[Zooid]

I have #6 in T-shirt form hehe

 

[SAZAMA]

those are great brother, keep'em coming

 

[dvenson]

will do some days the joke are not that good but i will keep putting the good ones up.

 

[dvenson]

well i have not had a good joke lately but i got one today


[FONT=&quot]My Kind Of Doctor (do not fall out your chair)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> Ray is Gay.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> You have AIDS.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for'.[/FONT]

 

[dvenson]

not an old joke but funny


[FONT=&quot]Only in TENNESSEE my friends... Only in TENNESSEE ...
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'What for?' says the lawyer..
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

God Bless Tennessee[/FONT]

 

[dv3]

lmao ...those are both good ones

 

[dvenson]

again this is not an old joke but still funny


[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
Subject: Fwd: Change your underwear often[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

 

[dvenson]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in
> Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did
> manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
> whenever she had to shop for groceries.
>
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> One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
> didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
> clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs Her
> butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
>
>
>
> Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how
> to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse
> to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and
> gave her some chicken breasts.
>
>
>
> On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
> Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to
> the store...
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> What were you thinking?
> Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails.
> I don't know about you
> sometimes

 

[dvenson]

one more for tonight

[FONT=&quot]An old Italian lived alone in New
Jersey .. He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament:
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dear Vincent,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A few days later he received a letter from his son.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
Love,
Vinnie[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]At
4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]That same day the old man received another letter from his son.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dear Pop,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Love you,[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Vinnie[/FONT]

 

[dv3]

UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown!

 

[dv3]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPY


A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippy.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in
a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

 

[dvenson]

Subject: FW: The Italian Virginity Test





The Italian Virginity Test





Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he couldtell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.




His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use threethings for what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small canof blue paint and ashovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, youpaint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

..........you hit her with the shovel.

 

[dvenson]

A Chinese immigrant went huntingone day inOntario and bagged three ducks.

Heput them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive homewhen

hewas confronted by a game warden who didn't like Chinese.

Thegame warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the

Chinesepulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

Thegame warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one

ofthe ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't fromOntario.

Thisis a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy?"

TheChinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

Thegame warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the secondduck,

sniffedits butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck'sfrom

Manitoba.You got a Manitoba license?"

TheChinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba huntinglicense.

Thewarden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed itsbutt,

andsaid "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from NovaScotia.

Yougot a Nova Scotia hunting license?"

Againthe Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and

broughtout a Nova Scotia license.

Thegame warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled atthe

Chinese,"Just where the hell are you from?"

TheChinese smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his

buttand said, "You tell me, you are the expert!"__._,_.___