Old jokes
- Thread starter dvenson
- Start date
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in the crack of a stripper's butt?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day. . . !
So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money.
That's my public service announcement for the day. Thank you very much!
Old Farts Football
[FONT="]
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows [/FONT]
[FONT="]when the old man passes gas and says, '7 points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says [/FONT]
[FONT="]Touchdown, tie score...'
After about 5 minutes the old man lets another one go [/FONT]
[FONT="]and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another [/FONT]
[FONT="]one and says, Touchdown, tie score.'
5 seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's [/FONT]
[FONT="]got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'[/FONT]
[FONT="]
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows [/FONT]
[FONT="]when the old man passes gas and says, '7 points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says [/FONT]
[FONT="]Touchdown, tie score...'
After about 5 minutes the old man lets another one go [/FONT]
[FONT="]and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another [/FONT]
[FONT="]one and says, Touchdown, tie score.'
5 seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's [/FONT]
[FONT="]got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'[/FONT]
A guy goes to the bar with his buddy
After awhile the buddy says he's going to stop drinking, his friend talks him into drinking more and the buddy gets drunk and throws up on himself, pretty upset about it he tells his friend how mad his wife is going to be cause she always says he never knows how to stop drinking his friend tells him not to worry about it just put $10 in his breast pocket and tell his wife a guy bumped into him and threw up on him and gave him the money for the dry cleaning bill.
So his gets home and his wife starts in on him right away telling him he never knows when to stop drinking then he tells he about the guy and $10 so she reaches in his pocket and tells him there's $20 here he says oh yeah he also sh!t in my pants.
After awhile the buddy says he's going to stop drinking, his friend talks him into drinking more and the buddy gets drunk and throws up on himself, pretty upset about it he tells his friend how mad his wife is going to be cause she always says he never knows how to stop drinking his friend tells him not to worry about it just put $10 in his breast pocket and tell his wife a guy bumped into him and threw up on him and gave him the money for the dry cleaning bill.
So his gets home and his wife starts in on him right away telling him he never knows when to stop drinking then he tells he about the guy and $10 so she reaches in his pocket and tells him there's $20 here he says oh yeah he also sh!t in my pants.
Ok before you read this i would like to let you all know that this joke came from my 87 year old grandpa! Enjoy
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very
dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
When it is ok to say the "F" word
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The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very
dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
When it is ok to say the "F" word
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For those of you who are retired … ideas. For the rest of you, future
plans.
Here are some ideas to keep retirees occupied .
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.
plans.
Here are some ideas to keep retirees occupied .
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.
My favorite!!
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama was elected, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama was elected, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."